joy is a choice.

The only thing in life that is certain is that each day is filled with uncertainty. For most of my life, I have chosen to conquer the day with the idea of “control the controllables.” 

External circumstances. Uncomfortable situations. Personal vendettas. They all affect how a day comes at us. But how we respond is how our day will go. Ultimately, we don’t have significant control of what life throws at us, but only how we respond to it.

Give me any assessment or strength finder- I’ll guarantee you I will land in the highest percentile for high energy, optimism, and vision, every single time. Never in my life have I been mentally hindered by external circumstance. I have built my life on all the clichés. 

• Where there is a will, there is a way. 
• Believe you can and you’re halfway there.
• It’s not whether you get knocked down, its whether you get back up.

But this. This is different. 

Since Harrison passed away, each new day brings a unique set of challenges. A set of challenges that I have never faced before. Each day, I wake up uncertain of who I am going to be.

There have been a few mornings I have woken up and wanted to forget it all. Forget that Paige and I even had a son. I have tried to trick myself. If I can force it out of my mind, then maybe the pain and the hurt will go away. But then a quick glance at his face on my phone and I’m reminded of the 72 days we had him and I know it would be worth going through all the pain again.

Some mornings I wake up completely overwhelmed with sadness. It’s those mornings that I can’t get out of my head the memory of rocking him in the hospital at 3:30 am because he was so uncomfortable. It leads me to want nothing more than to just hold Harry J again.

Other mornings I wake up with a sense of nostalgia. Those mornings are the ones that I wish I could have one more “Boys Club”. Every morning at 5am before work I would go visit Harrison in the NICU just to be able to hold him- I would send Paige a picture each morning from the “Boys Club”.

Then there is most mornings. Most mornings, I wake up numb. It’s those days that I don’t feel much at all. The days just feel so empty of purpose. It seems as if everything that Paige and I thought we were working towards was completely taken from us. 

I still want to conquer the world. I still want to work on a thousand new business ventures. I’m still working towards God’s calling on my life. But the days just feel different.

I know that God is going to work our tragedy for His glory. We also have no doubt that through the mission of the Harry J Foundation countless number of families will be touched and ministered to. We are standing in faith and believing that even in our greatest pain, God will reveal his purpose. 

However, it is in these days that I have found how easy our minds can drift. How easy our mindset can change our trajectory. Even with my faith, if I am not careful I will allow my mindset to get stuck how I woke up. Each morning, I face a big challenge: I can either stay in my mood or choose to rejoice in the hope of Christ.

Simply put: joy is a choice. Although it’s a simple phrase, it has the ability to become a powerful mindset. 

“So we are convinced that every detail of our lives is continually woven together to fit into God’s perfect plan of bringing good into our lives, for we are his lovers who have been called to fulfill his designed purpose.” -Romans 8:28 (TPT)