Purpose in the Pain

Just over a week ago, Paige and I had to endure an experience that we had never anticipated. An experience that we wouldn’t wish on anyone. After just 72 days with us, we lost our son. At Paige’s request, I was able to muster up enough strength to speak at Harrison’s Celebration of Life.

Below are the words that I shared:

On behalf of both Paige and I, I want to thank you for joining us to celebrate the life of Harrison. The outpouring of love that we have felt over the last few days has been absolutely incredible to say the least. A few days ago on social media I shared a passage from A Grief Observed, that I would like to share again today “We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, ‘Blessed are they that mourn,’ and I accept it. I’ve gotten nothing that I hadn’t bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination.”

C.S. Lewis having walked through his own tragic loss could not have more perfectly expressed the state in where Paige and I find ourselves today- in a reality that we never imagined.

See for us we thought our reality would look totally different than this. Kids have been part of our plan from the start. In fact, Paige and I have often joked that we wanted a very large family. But we agreed we wouldn’t have more than 13 kids, so that way we could all fit inside of a 15 passenger van. Over the last several years, we have begun to understand with such clarity the purpose that God has for our lives. With that, we have been standing on His promises of having a large family.

Again, as C.S. Lewis mentioned- It’s easy to talk about loss and suffering when it is an abstract thought and not your reality. If I am being honest, I thought we were on the path to the reality that we imagined.

We had no trouble getting pregnant. So, I thought we had dodged a bullet- too many people have to walk through the struggle of infertility. Then at 29 weeks, Paige was admitted to the hospital and placed on bedrest. We vigorously prayed that Harrison would stay inside the womb till at least 31 weeks. He made it 34 weeks. Not what we had imagined, but still another bullet dodge- too many people have to walk through the struggle of a miscarriage or a stillbirth.

For the first 51 days of Harrison’s life he spent it inside of the NICU. For 47 of those days, he was only working on taking bottles. He didn’t have spells. He didn’t need the support of oxygen. He was consistently gained weight. He was just what they call a “feeder grower”. Not the reality that we had imagined, but another dodged bullet- too many people never see their baby leave the NICU.

After leaving the NICU, we got to spend the next 11 days at home with Harrison. Those 11 days that we spent at home as a family were everything that we had hoped for. It was in the quiet moments of holding him that my mind began to race of all the things that we would do as a family. All the trips we would take. All the experiences we would share. All the lessons of life that I would teach him. We were finally beginning to see the reality that we imagined. We dodged another bullet- we got to bring our “healthy” baby home and experience normalcy as new parents.

I do not know if I will ever be able to describe the feeling of joy that I had watching Paige take care of Harry J. I told her so many times, but it’s true- she truly was the best advocate for him and the best mother that he could have ever had. In fact, I could sit around for hours and just watch the way that she looked and him and the way he looked back at her. To experience watching the innate love between mom and baby is incredible.

But those moments were cut short.

Harrison had just got finished with his bottle and we were snuggled on the couch. After a few minutes, I realized something was not right. Then tragedy hit again. We found ourselves loaded up in the car headed back to the last place that we wanted to take our child- the hospital. After hours of testing and labs being drawn, we had dodged a bullet again, or so we thought, because Harrison was acting like himself again.

During that last hospital stay, doctors were giving us many speculative diagnoses and grim prognoses; but the anthem that carried us through that time was “Hope until there is no Hope, Faith until there is no Faith.” It was in those days that Paige and I hung on to that mantra with everything that we had. Although I wish I could say every thought we had was strong and faith filled- there were moments when what we were walking through seemed like too much to handle.

Five days before Harrison passed away, I was rocking him in his hospital room and as was our usual we had the “Best of Live Worship” Spotify playlist playing. I was sitting there with my faith waning; and I began to focus on the lyrics of the song You Made a Way that was playing- and in that moment I felt so clearly the Holy Spirit say to me “he wasn’t yours to begin with.” With tears pouring down my face, I shared with Paige that Harrison was God’s and not ours. As much as we loved Harrison, our love could never match the love that God has for him. God gave us Harrison as a gift. A gift that we are going to treasure forever.

While this hasn’t made it easier to deal with the grief or the loss of not having Harry J physically with us; it has given us hope in this season. We find hope in that we know our God given purpose. We find hope in the words that Paul wrote in Romans 8:28- “For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” In this season, just like every other season, we find our hope in Christ, and Christ alone.

We want to celebrate the life that Harrison lived. Twenty-three times I wrote specifically in my prayer journal that God would use Harrison for his glory. From the moment we knew we were pregnant until he was born, I prayed specifically that God would anoint Harrison, He would guide his steps, He would use him to glorify His Kingdom, and that no other purpose would prevail than the calling God had on his life. While we don’t know why this was God’s plan and purpose- I know that this was God’s plan and purpose for Harrison. While Paige and I will at times be sad, angry, and confused; know that we are standing on God’s promise that everything we have prayed for will come to pass. We know that God will use the life of Harrison in a “large and mighty” way.

Over the last several days we have had countless people ask how they could help us in this time; which led us to start the Harry J Foundation. In the coming weeks, The Harry J Foundation will unveil its vision and mission as a 501(c)3 non-profit committed to helping others in their seasons of pain. For updates on the Harry J Foundation or to partner with us visit harryjfoundation.org.

Welcome Back

Welcome to 2021.

It’s nearly been twelve months to the day since I last wrote and published a blog. To be honest, it’s been too long.

Over the last twelve months our world has changed around us. The effects of the global pandemic will ripple through our culture for years to come. The effects of racial injustices will continue to hinder equality for all citizens in our nation. The effects of a polarizing election will stifle unity in our public discourse. The effects of natural disasters will ravage our communities. The truth is the effects and aftermath of 2020 will change us forever.

But is that not the case of every year?

Every year we experience changes around us that effect our perception of the world and life; due to the nature of 2020 those instances were heightened.

The last twelve months were no different for me and my family. We had to navigate through pandemics, unrest, loss, and natural disasters while still figuring out married life; throw in the wrench of a complicated pregnancy with a two plus month hospital stay to make 2020 a doozy of a year.

Even with all that we experienced- the ups and the downs, Paige and I had our best year yet. Regardless of the challenge that we faced, we were able to hold onto the promises of God’s faithfulness.

Over the next few weeks I want to share some of the incredible moments that point to those promises of God’s faithfulness. But, I also want to share some of the bleak moments that have made us question, “why God?” We know that God’s hand is in the midst of these moments, but we simply don’t have all the answers yet.

I hope you will join me as I share some truths we discovered over the last twelve months. But more importantly, I hope that you will see the evidence of God’s faithfulness. Whether you read another blog or not, my hope is that it will spark your reliance on God alone.

Marriage, a month in

It’s hard to believe that it has already been four whole weeks. Truthfully, this first month of marriage has flown by for both of us. As you read in the last blog, or may have heard Charlie say (it’s his favorite story), 8 of the last 30 days were spent in Mexico, so how could it be bad?

As we have begun adjusting to this new normal, we wanted to write a blog together to share what we’ve learned thus far.

Be INTENTIONAL—you’ve heard us say this before. Intentional was our word from the very first weekend we went on a date, and it has stuck ever since. We’ve seen it happen with friends, family, acquaintances—they begin to feel unseen, unheard, unloved…it’s a major issue in our society. Ask yourself every day, is my spouse getting the best of me, or just my leftovers?
Keep going on dates! We’ve made it a plan to have at least one date day/night a week. No phones, just each-others undivided attention to truly communicate without distraction and to make new memories. We want to get in this habit now because we know once kids come along, this will be even harder to do, but even more important!
Cherish each other—while we were engaged we read a book called Cherish by Gary Thomas. The little things matter—what can you be doing to show the other person you truly care? Maybe it’s coming home from a long day of work to dinner and the chores being done, or maybe it’s walking your dog in the snow while the other stays warm inside.
Communicate early and often—have something bothering you? TALK ABOUT IT! Don’t let things build up and eat away at you until you blow up. If there is an issue, find a win-win solution—don’t let there be a winner or a loser.
Have fun, be playful. Don’t think that just because you’re an old married couple now that you can’t flirt with each other!

We hope this blog will encourage others in their marriage, but most importantly will serve as a reminder for us in the years to come. As the years go by and the “newness” fades, we want to be able to look back to see what made our marriage so strong in the beginning.

We are obviously still very new at this marriage thing and just figuring it out, so if you have tips that you would add to the list drop them in the comments below!

We are so excited and expectant for how God is going to move in this new season. He continues to remind us on a daily basis, that He is in control, and that as long as He is our foundation, together we can move mountains.

Marriage, thirty days in. Best. Decision. Yet.

Relax, we’re all busy

Busy. Busy is what planning a wedding will make you. It will make you so busy that you will probably go over a month without posting a blog… my bad. I promise to try and do better; but let’s be honest, life is just busy. The thing is though, I am not the only one that experiences busyness.

Busy is how we live our lives. In fact, in America we wear our busyness as a badge of honor. The busier we are then somehow the more significant our life is and the greater our impact will be. I can say that I too fell into the trap of the busier the better. If I am being transparent, I am currently in the process of coming out of the busiest season of my life. After looking back over this past season, I can confidently say that most of it was self-inflicted. By nature, I like to say yes. By God’s design, I like to lead. So when asked to oversee this, manage that, run this; I have historically always said yes. I am now intentionally practicing my “no”; because in the end most of it is meaningless.

Of course, there were many great things that happened in this past season of saying yes. My renewed commitment to Christ. My new marriage. The resurrection of old dreams. The new found clarity on my purpose. But, on the whole, I can say that the sleepless nights and non-stop days working were not worth it.

I can admit that over the last few years, I have heard several sermons on taking days to rest- or practicing the Sabbath; but none of them actually connected until recently.

About three weeks ago, Paige and I were preparing to board a plane for Mexico to celebrate our honeymoon. On this trip I took a massive step… I left my work phone at home. In fact, I left everything work related in the US. I decided to leave it as a commitment to my new wife, and as a symbol of the beginning of our marriage focused solely on us.

If I am being honest though, I was pretty anxious leaving work behind. Ever since joining the “real” workforce at the age of 19, I had never been on a vacation where I was not “available” to those back home. Most of my career has been in sales, where you are always available to your customers. When I owned my own insurance agency, I was accessible 24/7 to my staff and clients. So for me, I was going to be truly disconnected for the very first time.

But what was I so anxious about? I mean, do I think I am really that valuable to my company? Of course not. I was anxious because I was afraid of “falling behind” the competition.

“Therefore I tell you, stop being worried or anxious about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, as to what you will wear. Is life not more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father keeps feeding them. Are you not worth much more than they?” – Matthew 6:25-26

I once heard a Pastor say that we have become more concerned with the pursuit of the American Dream than we are fulfilling the calling of God. Quite simply, that’s the truth for me. At the root of my anxiousness is the lack of trust in God’s provision.

But after a day or two in Mexico, I slowly started to realize that something was happening. I was becoming recharged. Now that we are back in our normal routine, I feel more refreshed and rejuvenated than I ever have.

Rest is a reoccurring theme seen throughout the Bible. God designed us to rest. Isn’t it amazing that when I finally found time to rest, I became more aware of God’s presence.

Paige and I have begun working on our family goals for 2020, and you better believe that at the top of the list is a WEEKLY SABBATH. Or in other words, a day of intentional rest. Time that we can rest and rejuvenate in God’s presence.

My challenge for everyone reading this is to rest. We are all in different seasons and have different circumstances that effect our decisions; but I assure you in the end all of the tireless work will be meaningless. While this concept seems counter-cultural, my goal for 2020 is to do less. I am putting my faith in accomplishing more with God in six days than I can by myself in seven days.

Less is more with God.

365 Days Later

In preparation for a major decision before me, I had a conversation with my good friend, Keith. In that conversation, Keith made a statement that could not have been more of a divinely inspired truth than if it came out of the mouth of Billy Graham himself. In the midst of our conversation, Keith said, “One year from now our lives are going to look completely different.” Boy, was he right; because three hundred and sixty-five (365) days ago my entire life changed forever.

On September 30, 2018, I woke up in Boulder, Colorado in the wee hours of the morning, hoping to catch a beautiful sunrise over the mountains in Estes Park. I wasn’t alone on this journey though, my girlfriend was sitting (sleeping) in the seat next to me in our rented Camaro. As we drove towards Brainard Lake that morning, I knew my life was going to change, while she on the other hand just anticipated another failed attempt of ours to catch the sunrise (side note- we don’t have the best track record of actually experiencing sunrises).

We arrived to Estes Park in total darkness and stumbled our way to what I had described to Paige as the “premier” spot. The only problem I encountered was trying to sell her on that spot, because she knew we should have been on the other side of the mountain to see a clear shot of the sunrise. Inside, she was marking this down as another failed attempt to see the sunrise.

Fast forward half an hour, Paige lost track of the fact that we were on the wrong side of the mountain, when she noticed that I was down on one knee. If you haven’t followed along with the story up until this point, Paige and I got engaged 365 days ago.

Many lessons have been learned this past year. I have learned how to be more loving. I have learned how to be a better communicator. I have learned to trust God more. I have learned that I will fail Paige.

Many things have changed this past year. I have moved three times. I have sold a house. I have sold two cars. I have shut down a business. I have started a new job.

While the external changes are important, the internal changes are that much more important. Most people will only see the external transitions, but may miss altogether the internal transitions I have experienced.

As I reflect on the last year, I cannot help but become more excited about the years to come. Paige and I are only 18 days away from making a life-time commitment of forever to each other, but also making a pledge to commit our marriage to whatever God calls us to. Over the last year, God has revealed promises to both of us that we know will never come to fruition without His hand of provision. From the outside looking in, it may not seem like all the pieces are fitting together. It may not look like we are taking life defining risks, but the changes that we have experienced internally together have influenced the trajectory of our lives and marriage. The changes haven’t been quick or overnight; but rooted in God’s timing.

“So be humble under God’s powerful hand. Then he will lift you up when the right time comes. Give all your worries to him, because he cares for you” – 1 Peter 5:6-7 ERV

When we began dating, we committed to being intentional. By being intentional in our relationship with each other and with Christ, we have experienced unexplained favor. Together, we are looking forward to our next season of life as we enter it with expectancy.

You need to know that no matter where life has you positioned right now, real life change can happen. However, that life change will only happen when you begin to press in and allow the Holy Spirit to work within you. As the work is being done within you, you will gradually become more like Christ.

You may not notice the change right away, but you will see it when you reflect back 365 days later. I can assure you of this, “One year from now our lives are going to look completely different.”

365 Days = Life Change.