Tag: grief

When life becomes the unexpected…

Planning. By nature that is what I do. In fact, I have a Plan A, Plan B, Plan C and probably a Plan D for everything I’m doing. Innately, I have always been a planner. 

Truthfully, I have probably fallen victim to over planning for most of my life. In 2017, I was at a point in my life where I had accomplished most of my goals to date, but even with that success, I was left feeling miserable. In that moment, I realized I wouldn’t find true joy until I let God have control of my plans. I quickly realized releasing control would be one of the greatest challenges I face in my life. 

In that season I adopted Proverbs 16:3, “Commit your works to the Lord, and your plans will succeed,” as my life verse.

I knew I needed a mindset shift. As I leaned into this new way of thinking, I went from making my plans fit into what I thought was God’s purpose for my life, to having Gods purpose for my life shape my plan. 

Over the last few years, Paige and I have used this verse as the guiding compass as we navigate through life. With this mindset as our modus operandi it has been easy to see God’s goodness and favor all over our life, marriage, family, occupations, and calling. To be honest, so far God’s plan hasn’t been far off from what our plans would have been on our own.

Until recently.

We know that God is not a god of chaos, but a God of order. 

“For God is not a God of confusion and disorder but of peace and order..” -1 Corinthians 14:33 (AMP)

God designed us to be organized, systematic, and planners. We know from scripture that God himself enjoys planning. 

But this is where the challenge to our faith comes in. How do we move forward when God’s plan doesn’t look like what we had expected it to? Since Paige was admitted to the hospital and Harrison passed, this has been my daily struggle. 

It’s easy to trust and believe in God’s plan for our lives when things are going well and seem to be going according to our plan; it becomes hard to trust God’s plan when the reality we’re in is not the reality we would have chosen for ourselves. 

Each day Paige and I grapple with the fact that we are living in a reality we didn’t even know was possible. Some mornings it feels like we did something wrong, made a mistake, or just misheard God altogether.

We have to remind ourselves those thoughts are simply the lies of the enemy, and we must trust in Gods word. It was Jesus who said, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.” (John 14:1)

Even though we have sorrow, because where we are isn’t where we thought we would be; we choose to stay committed to what God has called us to. We choose to find purpose in our pain. We choose each morning to have joy.  

Regardless of where you find yourself, if your current circumstance feels as if it doesn’t line up and fit in to what you had planned, do not forget that God is still in your midst. God is orchestrating his plans to redeem the hurt, the pain, the loss, the devastation. Have faith that regardless of where you are, God is still redeeming stories.

“So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. -John 16:22 (NIV)

joy is a choice.

The only thing in life that is certain is that each day is filled with uncertainty. For most of my life, I have chosen to conquer the day with the idea of “control the controllables.” 

External circumstances. Uncomfortable situations. Personal vendettas. They all affect how a day comes at us. But how we respond is how our day will go. Ultimately, we don’t have significant control of what life throws at us, but only how we respond to it.

Give me any assessment or strength finder- I’ll guarantee you I will land in the highest percentile for high energy, optimism, and vision, every single time. Never in my life have I been mentally hindered by external circumstance. I have built my life on all the clichés. 

  • Where there is a will, there is a way. 
  • Believe you can and you’re halfway there.
  • It’s not whether you get knocked down, its whether you get back up.

But this. This is different. 

Since Harrison passed away, each new day brings a unique set of challenges. A set of challenges that I have never faced before. Each day, I wake up uncertain of who I am going to be.

There have been a few mornings I have woken up and wanted to forget it all. Forget that Paige and I even had a son. I have tried to trick myself. If I can force it out of my mind, then maybe the pain and the hurt will go away. But then a quick glance at his face on my phone and I’m reminded of the 72 days we had him and I know it would be worth going through all the pain again.

Some mornings I wake up completely overwhelmed with sadness. It’s those mornings that I can’t get out of my head the memory of rocking him in the hospital at 3:30 am because he was so uncomfortable. It leads me to want nothing more than to just hold Harry J again.

Other mornings I wake up with a sense of nostalgia. Those mornings are the ones that I wish I could have one more “Boys Club”. Every morning at 5am before work I would go visit Harrison in the NICU just to be able to hold him- I would send Paige a picture each morning from the “Boys Club”.

Then there is most mornings. Most mornings, I wake up numb. It’s those days that I don’t feel much at all. The days just feel so empty of purpose. It seems as if everything that Paige and I thought we were working towards was completely taken from us. 

I still want to conquer the world. I still want to work on a thousand new business ventures. I’m still working towards God’s calling on my life. But the days just feel different.

I know that God is going to work our tragedy for His glory. We also have no doubt that through the mission of the Harry J Foundation countless number of families will be touched and ministered to. We are standing in faith and believing that even in our greatest pain, God will reveal his purpose. 

However, it is in these days that I have found how easy our minds can drift. How easy our mindset can change our trajectory. Even with my faith, if I am not careful I will allow my mindset to get stuck how I woke up. Each morning, I face a big challenge: I can either stay in my mood or choose to rejoice in the hope of Christ.

Simply put: joy is a choice. Although it’s a simple phrase, it has the ability to become a powerful mindset. 

“So we are convinced that every detail of our lives is continually woven together to fit into God’s perfect plan of bringing good into our lives, for we are his lovers who have been called to fulfill his designed purpose.” -Romans 8:28 (TPT)