Tag: loss

When life becomes the unexpected…

Planning. By nature that is what I do. In fact, I have a Plan A, Plan B, Plan C and probably a Plan D for everything I’m doing. Innately, I have always been a planner. 

Truthfully, I have probably fallen victim to over planning for most of my life. In 2017, I was at a point in my life where I had accomplished most of my goals to date, but even with that success, I was left feeling miserable. In that moment, I realized I wouldn’t find true joy until I let God have control of my plans. I quickly realized releasing control would be one of the greatest challenges I face in my life. 

In that season I adopted Proverbs 16:3, “Commit your works to the Lord, and your plans will succeed,” as my life verse.

I knew I needed a mindset shift. As I leaned into this new way of thinking, I went from making my plans fit into what I thought was God’s purpose for my life, to having Gods purpose for my life shape my plan. 

Over the last few years, Paige and I have used this verse as the guiding compass as we navigate through life. With this mindset as our modus operandi it has been easy to see God’s goodness and favor all over our life, marriage, family, occupations, and calling. To be honest, so far God’s plan hasn’t been far off from what our plans would have been on our own.

Until recently.

We know that God is not a god of chaos, but a God of order. 

“For God is not a God of confusion and disorder but of peace and order..” -1 Corinthians 14:33 (AMP)

God designed us to be organized, systematic, and planners. We know from scripture that God himself enjoys planning. 

But this is where the challenge to our faith comes in. How do we move forward when God’s plan doesn’t look like what we had expected it to? Since Paige was admitted to the hospital and Harrison passed, this has been my daily struggle. 

It’s easy to trust and believe in God’s plan for our lives when things are going well and seem to be going according to our plan; it becomes hard to trust God’s plan when the reality we’re in is not the reality we would have chosen for ourselves. 

Each day Paige and I grapple with the fact that we are living in a reality we didn’t even know was possible. Some mornings it feels like we did something wrong, made a mistake, or just misheard God altogether.

We have to remind ourselves those thoughts are simply the lies of the enemy, and we must trust in Gods word. It was Jesus who said, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.” (John 14:1)

Even though we have sorrow, because where we are isn’t where we thought we would be; we choose to stay committed to what God has called us to. We choose to find purpose in our pain. We choose each morning to have joy.  

Regardless of where you find yourself, if your current circumstance feels as if it doesn’t line up and fit in to what you had planned, do not forget that God is still in your midst. God is orchestrating his plans to redeem the hurt, the pain, the loss, the devastation. Have faith that regardless of where you are, God is still redeeming stories.

“So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. -John 16:22 (NIV)

Purpose in the Pain

Just over a week ago, Paige and I had to endure an experience that we had never anticipated. An experience that we wouldn’t wish on anyone. After just 72 days with us, we lost our son. At Paige’s request, I was able to muster up enough strength to speak at Harrison’s Celebration of Life.

Below are the words that I shared:

On behalf of both Paige and I, I want to thank you for joining us to celebrate the life of Harrison. The outpouring of love that we have felt over the last few days has been absolutely incredible to say the least. A few days ago on social media I shared a passage from A Grief Observed, that I would like to share again today “We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, ‘Blessed are they that mourn,’ and I accept it. I’ve gotten nothing that I hadn’t bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination.”

C.S. Lewis having walked through his own tragic loss could not have more perfectly expressed the state in where Paige and I find ourselves today- in a reality that we never imagined.

See for us we thought our reality would look totally different than this. Kids have been part of our plan from the start. In fact, Paige and I have often joked that we wanted a very large family. But we agreed we wouldn’t have more than 13 kids, so that way we could all fit inside of a 15 passenger van. Over the last several years, we have begun to understand with such clarity the purpose that God has for our lives. With that, we have been standing on His promises of having a large family.

Again, as C.S. Lewis mentioned- It’s easy to talk about loss and suffering when it is an abstract thought and not your reality. If I am being honest, I thought we were on the path to the reality that we imagined.

We had no trouble getting pregnant. So, I thought we had dodged a bullet- too many people have to walk through the struggle of infertility. Then at 29 weeks, Paige was admitted to the hospital and placed on bedrest. We vigorously prayed that Harrison would stay inside the womb till at least 31 weeks. He made it 34 weeks. Not what we had imagined, but still another bullet dodge- too many people have to walk through the struggle of a miscarriage or a stillbirth.

For the first 51 days of Harrison’s life he spent it inside of the NICU. For 47 of those days, he was only working on taking bottles. He didn’t have spells. He didn’t need the support of oxygen. He was consistently gained weight. He was just what they call a “feeder grower”. Not the reality that we had imagined, but another dodged bullet- too many people never see their baby leave the NICU.

After leaving the NICU, we got to spend the next 11 days at home with Harrison. Those 11 days that we spent at home as a family were everything that we had hoped for. It was in the quiet moments of holding him that my mind began to race of all the things that we would do as a family. All the trips we would take. All the experiences we would share. All the lessons of life that I would teach him. We were finally beginning to see the reality that we imagined. We dodged another bullet- we got to bring our “healthy” baby home and experience normalcy as new parents.

I do not know if I will ever be able to describe the feeling of joy that I had watching Paige take care of Harry J. I told her so many times, but it’s true- she truly was the best advocate for him and the best mother that he could have ever had. In fact, I could sit around for hours and just watch the way that she looked and him and the way he looked back at her. To experience watching the innate love between mom and baby is incredible.

But those moments were cut short. 

Harrison had just got finished with his bottle and we were snuggled on the couch. After a few minutes, I realized something was not right. Then tragedy hit again. We found ourselves loaded up in the car headed back to the last place that we wanted to take our child- the hospital. After hours of testing and labs being drawn, we had dodged a bullet again, or so we thought, because Harrison was acting like himself again.

During that last hospital stay, doctors were giving us many speculative diagnoses and grim prognoses; but the anthem that carried us through that time was “Hope until there is no Hope, Faith until there is no Faith.” It was in those days that Paige and I hung on to that mantra with everything that we had. Although I wish I could say every thought we had was strong and faith filled- there were moments when what we were walking through seemed like too much to handle. 

Five days before Harrison passed away, I was rocking him in his hospital room and as was our usual we had the “Best of Live Worship” Spotify playlist playing. I was sitting there with my faith waning; and I began to focus on the lyrics of the song You Made a Way that was playing- and in that moment I felt so clearly the Holy Spirit say to me “he wasn’t yours to begin with.” With tears pouring down my face, I shared with Paige that Harrison was God’s and not ours. As much as we loved Harrison, our love could never match the love that God has for him. God gave us Harrison as a gift. A gift that we are going to treasure forever.

While this hasn’t made it easier to deal with the grief or the loss of not having Harry J physically with us; it has given us hope in this season. We find hope in that we know our God given purpose. We find hope in the words that Paul wrote in Romans 8:28- “For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” In this season, just like every other season, we find our hope in Christ, and Christ alone.

We want to celebrate the life that Harrison lived. Twenty-three times I wrote specifically in my prayer journal that God would use Harrison for his glory. From the moment we knew we were pregnant until he was born, I prayed specifically that God would anoint Harrison, He would guide his steps, He would use him to glorify His Kingdom, and that no other purpose would prevail than the calling God had on his life. While we don’t know why this was God’s plan and purpose- I know that this was God’s plan and purpose for Harrison. While Paige and I will at times be sad, angry, and confused; know that we are standing on God’s promise that everything we have prayed for will come to pass. We know that God will use the life of Harrison in a “large and mighty” way.

Over the last several days we have had countless people ask how they could help us in this time; which led us to start the Harry J Foundation. In the coming weeks, The Harry J Foundation will unveil its vision and mission as a 501(c)3 non-profit committed to helping others in their seasons of pain. For updates on the Harry J Foundation or to partner with us visit harryjfoundation.org.